hype like your grandma used to make

King for a Day

2011-08-31T15:56:00.013-05:00

This weekend I was pleased as punch to become a social experiment for every boy in the world when I was asked to be a part of my best friend's bachelorette party. I weighed my options for a couple of seconds before making my decision because it's been years since I've even stepped foot out of Memphis and I wasn't about to turn down an opportunity to drink somewhere new. And we didn't just go SOMEWHERE we went all out. I packed my day bag (the only bag I own, mind you) and before I knew it, me and a gaggle of ready-to-party ladies hit the road for HOT SPRINGS, ARKANSAS! Don't be j.

In narrowing down what I wanted this post to focus on I had many choices. If I summarized the entire trip you'd get bored and I'd cry. If I talked more about the "social experiment" quality of it I might offend good friends and I'd cry. So I've decided to go straight for the thing I was dreading about the entire trip. The spa package.

**If you didn't giggle when you read the word "Package", please close your browser because we are not friends or on the same planet together.**

Hot Springs is cute. You don't even realize you're in Arkansas if you can wipe your memory clean of the bumpy roads and cornfields and cheap-knife-selling gas stations you encountered along the way. And if you can forgive the "bartenders" everywhere for only knowing how to pour straight liquor and for calling your entire group "ladies" in every restaurant you went to even though I obviously have a beard and a penis (trust me, I made sure it was noticeable)...every time we left a restaurant I could hear them whisper "there's always an ugly one". Sorry, tangent. So yeah, Hot Springs is cute. We had 2 cool rooms connected to each other and were signed up for a pretty rad "Spa" day on our second day.

Before we left on the trip, I made it very clear I was having nothing to do with Spa Day. I was going to find a bar and make friends with no one and be perfectly happy until the girls came back. They laughed and seemed to hold on to the fact that they were going to FORCE me to disrobe and be touched inappropriately by people I did not know. I guess they forgot how stubborn I am. So Spa Day arrives and at breakfast we get a call.

Lady: "Eric, would you like a male or female masseuse?"
Me: "No thank you"
Lady: "..."

By this time I was highly hungover from our first night in HOG COUNTRY, sore, grumpy, and needing some time to not be around 6 women in full "BACHELORETTE PARTY" mode. Contrary to popular belief, gay men are not women. I needed to watch a sport or crop dust a bunch of old ladies having tea. SOMETHING! Instead, I put on a trucker hat, opened a beer, and turned on some JERRY SPRINGER all the while insisting I was NOT being dragged to what they lovingly called the "Bath House" which upon inspection looked like the place where all the girls were going to be murdered by the hotel killer and leave me as the last man standing. I was sure this was some sort of horror movie waiting to happen.

I did not go. I took a long shower. I watched cable on the crappy television. I thought about going shopping then realized I had to be stubborn about that too because I'm trying to fight a stereo-type here people! My job is hard.

When the girls returned they all had the same look on their face. Like their legs were melting and they were having problems standing up. All collapsed on the bed at the same time. I assumed this meant all went well and nobody got murdered by Helga the Killer Masseuse. So we continued the party.

As the day went on though, bruises started popping up, complaints about sore legs and shoulders were shouted, dead skin flakes found in drinks...all that jazz. All the while, I sat back in my bar stool grinning. Grinning like a fucking winner. I did not have headaches, I did not have any bruises, and I most certainly was not molested by any strangers that day!

I am not a martyr, no. And it may all boil down to my uncontrollable anxiety that wouldn't let me enjoy a nice day at the spa and then write about how it was probably horrible for everyone and that watching TV was a much better way to waste the money I had already spent on the spa day. But in my head, I am king. King of the bachelorette party! Dad would be proud.

Urban Outfitters=the nail in the coffin.

2011-08-07T01:11:00.003-05:00

I've been living in a bubble. A very comfortable, posh, totally cool, and young bubble that everyone wants to hangout in. A couple of days ago some hipster child ran up to my reallyawesomecool bubble and popped it. Popped it HARD! In this bubble, I was young and hip and knew everything about everything that anyone could care to know about that was cool. I was livin' the high and naive life, just like mama taught me! Until this fatal day...I'm having trouble talking about it because I'm still in shock. Let me get to the point already.

A few days ago my bff and I were killing time before going to our lovely jobs (that we only hold because we have to buy the coolest records and Igadgets and glitter) so we decided to stop by the newly opened URBAN OUTFITTERS. I hadn't been to an Urban Outfitters since I was 22 visiting Seattle (I am 29 now...and painfully aware of it) and I thought it was the greatest store that Jesus ever gave a bank loan to. Now, when we arrived I was kind of unkempt (which is cool right???) and in my boring work uniform...didn't think it would play a part in my anxiety-filled visit.

Upon entering the wreckage we were NOT greeted by the little hipster imp at the door. This was my first red flag. He was wearing something that obviously was picked out to make him look like the lowest on the Urban Outfitters totem pole. As soon as we walked in, he looked the other way. I stared. Refusing to move until I was greeted (my tax dollars pay your salary! I think...I don't know how that all works actually...)...well Impy didn't greet us and I was dragged away. I focused way too hard on not being greeted by Impy and watched as he greeted all the other 15 year old giggly girls that walked in. I guess I didn't giggle enough but I SWEAR I was kind of giggling and flipping my hair nonchalantly. I then decided that Impy was not an actual employee of Urban Outfitters...but he wanted to be. He thought if he came in every day wearing vertical stripes, too tight jeans, and a KA-RAZZY ski cap over his fat head and mouthed the words to the Radiohead songs playing over the cool loud speaker...they would eventually hire him. So to him I say, nice initiative, horrible outfit, keep reaching for the stars!

That was only the beginning. I started feeling this lump in my firm stomach when we started browsing the obviously-made-by-someone's-mother jewelery. I needed a moment to take it all in. I have social anxiety anyway so maybe this was just a minor panic attack. I can deal. That's when I looked around...like, REALLY looked around me. Everywhere were children smaller than me, trying really hard to do what I was trying really hard to do 8 years ago (and failing, unlike I did), wearing too tight everything/KA-RAZZY ski caps/funky hair/and mouthing the lyrics to the Radiohead songs being played over the cool loud speaker. What kind of hell had I just stepped into?

Then it happened. The jokes started coming. Everything out of my mouth was a snide comment about some piece of clothing ("Who is this LARGE for? a large baby???") ("I think you just found the 'Mom's Are Cool Too' Section, after Megan told me she found a shirt she liked)...I couldn't be stopped and I was cracking myself up! Then when I made a remark about a SALE price. I realized what had just taken place. I...after years of denial...had finally become my father. "Is that price in American dollars???". "I'm not sure which is the guy's section and which is the girl's". It went on and on.

And then...for the first time in my adult life. I felt old. I felt ancient. I didn't get it. I still don't get it. I knew a few of the songs on the cool loud speaker but I suddenly felt dirty about it. I knew I wanted to buy Tina Fey's new book but it seemed wrong now...and Impy was guarding that section of the store. I watched as more and more tweensters piled into the store grabbing up every over-priced thin piece of cotton to buy and all I could wonder was "did they just buy a dress or a shirt?". It was almost fetal position in a corner time. My breathing became heavier. I considered just giving up and trying to squeeze my fat ass into some jeans and showing those children how it's done...instead, I made a few more jokes about Impy and drug Megan out of the store. She dropped her pallet of 900 shades of glitter eye shadow and we were safely outside.

Outside the store a woman holding a violin case was on her way inside. I told her not to do it. She ignored me. At least she'd be able to express her feelings better than I was...I should start carrying a tiny stringed instrument with me wherever I go.

So here we are. I'm almost 30. I dress like a Target store. And I don't understand kids these days. Where do I go from there? Yelling at kids to get off my lawn? Drinking scotch and watching "Murder She Wrote"? I'm kind of okay with any of those options. Damn you Urban Outfitters...you killed my bubble.

Don't You Bring Me Down Today!

2011-03-31T22:52:00.010-05:00

Let's face it. As a gay, ugly, fat, dim-witted, easy-to-manipulate type there's one thing I have going for me in today's world of Kool Kidz (I think that may be a daycare somewhere, because we need to start off teaching the children how to spell like hipsters...but that's another blog at another time on another internet), POP MUSIC!
Now, there's plenty of pop music that I love to dance to and listen to on a daily basis because it makes me happy and makes me move my booty. But there's one type of song that keeps popping up lately that I've hated for a very long time and I think it's about time for that to be pointed out and be stopped! I'm talking about the "Manipulative Feel Good Song for Suckers" (I really wish that made a cool acronym but alas).
It all began with a little crooner known as Christina Aguliera. Around the time she was getting "Dirrty" she was also reaching out to all us children sitting alone in our rooms cutting our little elbows with paperclips because we have no friends, with the beautiful ballad called..."Beautiful". Now, there is no way in hell I'm going to believe that when sitting down to write this song someone somewhere did not say "Hey, kids are sad these days, let's make some money off of them!". I just refuse to believe it.
And people ATE.IT.UP. There were tears and people coming out of their rooms for the first time in 7 years flaunting their pale skin and antisocial behavior singing at the top of their lungs to the KOOL KIDZ "I am beautiful no matter what you say!!!!"...only to realize once the song was over the reason they locked themselves up in the first place...while Ms. Aguliera stroked her beautiful weave with a pile of your tear-stained money!

So then a few years went by and we realized we were over it and we went all indie and stuff. Then out of nowhere comes something called a Lady Antebell...no wait. Lady Gaga! Yeah that "Lady". She sings a few booty-shaking songs and someone somewhere says, "hey, sad gay kids love your music and nothing is hotter right now than gay rights...let's make some money off these gullible fags!". So the "Lady" sits down and writes all about how it's okay, it's fine, be your gay little self because you were "Born This Way". I like the song. It's catchy. I'm all about self-empowerment. But god help me if when I'm in my $8/hr job in a hairnet and dirty apron, cleaning fish guts off of a plate someone drooled all over, the last thing I want to hear is that I was "born that way" and I should be proud of it. And I'm all about blaming it on my parents too but they deserve a little better. I'm getting away from the point.
Now they're everywhere. I got Katy Perry telling me I'm a goddamned firework in a clear ripoff of "True Colors" (which is the ONLY anthem you ever need ever, it's well done without being schmaltzy...except when Phil Collins ruined it). In other words, stop letting pop stars profit off your own personal issues with yourself. They're not trying to make you feel better. P!nk doesn't care if you went out and made your first friend after hearing her tell you that you're "Fucking Perfect". But she sure is happy you bought the album. I won't stand for it! I was going to burn them all in effigy in a church parking lot...but then I remembered I'm banned from all church parking lots and matches so that's out of the picture. Plus, how do you burn a MP3?

I leave you with this: "You're not beautiful, no matter what they write ,words can't make you diet"

Funemployed?

2011-03-02T07:39:00.007-06:00

This little vacation from the work world that I recently, on my own accord, decided to take has been exhausting, eye-opening, exhausting, frustrating, utter BS, annoying, and other words that mean "I fucking hate it". But, while I sit here listening to my spirit animal Diana Ross sing me uplifting words about being touched in the morning and that love song about the dinosaurs...I realize I have learned some things. Here's a list, bookmark it so if you ever decide to take a vacation to Depressingville U.S.A, you can save yourself some soul searching and spend your time applying for jobs instead.

When you're broke, Ramen is a great breakfast/lunch/dinner/late night snack
Future employers do not enjoy the smell of Beef Flavoring coming from your mouth when you speak
Cats do not like Ramen but refuse to help with the bills.
You talk a lot about food that costs 33 cents.
You see other unemployed people walking the streets, you try to befriend them and come up with a strategy together, they have to hire one of you right? You hold meetings in abandoned parking lots and church steps but they only want to talk about God and biscuits.
You start to realize why these other people are unemployed.
You start to realize you're turning into one of those people and spend the rest of the week eating Ramen alone in your room and crying into your empty vodka bottle.
Job applications ask really stupid questions: "What Elementary School did you go to and what subjects did you study?"..."Well, I was the Champion Heads-Up-7-Up player in our school for 3 years. And if you need me to get us through the Oregon Trail, I'm your man!".
Those doing the hiring don't really give extra points for being a smart-ass on your application...Starbucks has NO sense of humor.
Craigslist is only good for job searching if you're looking for a job as a tranny hooker...and you want to die. I saw that Lifetime movie (like 90 times cuz I have nothing else to do).

But the number one thing I've come to realize during all this is...I NEED A JOB!

This blog post brought to you by:
Ramen Noodles

If you enjoyed this blog post please consider helping a brotha out.

Erico and Crackliet

2011-02-14T19:55:00.007-06:00

Happy Valentines Day blog-readers (aka people I bug on facebook and twitter to read my ramblings that only do so to shut me up)! As I sit here in my Snuggie drinking a plastic cup of wine and watching any and every mind-numbing marathon I can find on television, I find myself reflecting on prior relationships/affairs (all of which I probably made up in my head) with fondness. But one is standing out in my mind...not because it was such a great affair but because it's hilarious and totally blog-worthy. Yay!

Let me set the scene for ya:
It was a dark time in my life. I was unemployed, no cellphone, no money, hadn't eaten in a long time, scrounging for pennies to buy Ramen at the grocery store next door. Let's just say, I was vulnerable and malnourished.

I don't recall the circumstances too clearly when I met Crackliet (I do not know the guy's name and probably never did), I do know I was walking home from a night out of mooching off some friends who had jobs and came upon a fellow wanderer. He seemed nice enough. A little jittery. And he followed me around a lot without talking too much. Exactly my type.

We finally arrive to my apartment where he talks me into letting him stay over, shower, and eat the rest of my 3 month old Saltines (all the food I had). I felt I was doing a nice thing for a long-time friend (6 minutes is a long time for me to keep a friend). Well, somewhere between his 30 minute shower and when he taught me what a crack pipe was and proceeded to use it in the middle of my room (don't worry, I just watched)...Crackliet fell in love.

I realized after the crack pipe and food was consumed that I was doing a favor for a probably homeless guy...so I did the only thing any nice American would do, I let him sleep on my futon and cuddled with him. Don't act like you haven't done that.

The next day, he caused me to miss a job interview because he would not leave or take a "hint" (saying "I have a job interview and you gotta go" is a hint right?), we watched a movie and then he agreed to hit the streets. I thought I was in the clear from my love-struck house guest because I had no phone, he had no phone and he was so high he wouldn't remember where I lived.

Wrong. For the next 5 or 6 or 7 days or months or years (seemed forever), Crackliet would stand in the parking lot of my apartment building and scream up to my window: "ERRRRRRRRRRRICO, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRICO!!!!!" over and over and over. Which forced me to turn out all the lights and hit the deck...I pictured him scaling the walls (a superpower I believe all crack users have) and forcing himself in, I pictured him finding a way into the building and sleeping in the hall until I had to leave. Thank god I didn't have any reason to leave the building too often. This went on forever. And every time he yelled my name I came close to opening the window because from the floor of my apartment building, in the dark, I could hear his poor crackhead heart breaking all the way from the parking lot.

I'm a heart-breaker and an enabler. Who wants in???

Months and months later, when I secured a job, I was reading through the best magazine in the world JUST BUSTED where you can see who got arrested over the week and make fun of them when lo-and-behold I see a familiar beautiful face. Crackliet had been taken in for Indecent Exposure and Prostitution.

My biggest regret from this affair is...I forgot to charge him.

Merry Christmas! You're Fat!

2010-12-14T02:40:00.005-06:00

It's a vicious cycle: make money, spend money, make money, spend money. Well, in order to do the making money-part I have to keep up a somewhat respectable look in my workplace which found me finally breaking down and buying some new pants at Target the other day.

This is a big deal folks. I have not bought pants for myself in quite some time, in fact I despise clothing shopping for myself SO much that I avoid it at all costs and usually live off hand-me-downs from friends who shop too much and are weird. I also have very high anxiety issues with crowds and being in situations where I am unsure of the mapping. I need to know exactly where to go, down to the exact location of the clothing rack where my particularly needed pants will be. GPS that shit! I need to run in and run out like some sort of Clothes Ninja! The same applies to shopping for baked goods. Or I just wanted an excuse to use "Cookie Ninja!" in the blog.

Anyway, so a good friend of mine offered to go with me (because I lack the ability to do most things alone...oh...and I do not have a vehicle in which to transport myself to Anxiety Hell). The neighborhood Target was, in my mind, unusually crowded and busy. I quickly retreated into my safe zone which consists of me gripping the shopping cart with all my might and singing a medley of Diana Ross songs to myself until everything is okay. It works. Try it. I suggest starting with "Chain Reaction", "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?", and then a torch-worthy "Theme From Mahogany"...anyway, I'll save the rest for my Anxiety Cure Book (Coming Soon?).

My thoughts starting racing:
"Why is it so busy???" Did they know you were going to be here??? Are they here to laugh while you try to find the pants rack??? Maybe everyone in Memphis just had to pickup a few things and this is a happy accident running into me like this! Lucky them, I need to find someone to laugh at soon! How about that guy? The one trying to hold up shirts to his chest AND eat a food court pretzel at the same time? Yeah! Him!...Nah, I'm just jealous of his pretzel"

...that went on for at least 9 aisles as I randomly threw things in the basket just to give a normal vibe off. Then it hit me! This Target had just re-opened after having some major exciting construction! Everyone is here to check it out! I was pleased with my revelation and immediately thought, "people are easily amused and kinda dumb" when my friend turns to me and says, "You do know it's Christmas time right?".

Oh.
Yeah.
Duh.

Finally...the pants! It was a mad house of old ladies in the men's clothing section yelling things to each other like "I'm pretty sure Charlie is still a Husky!" as Charlie pretended to look at white socks. Charlie, I remember those days of my mom saying "Where is the Husky section for my Husky child who will surely never suffer a 4 year eating disorder and get dangerously thin because I like to use the word Husky so loudly and very often" (I did but as this blog points out, I'm over all that now...and no, I'm not blaming my mother).

Oh yeah...the pants! I was sure of my size but just to be EXTRA sure and to avoid ever ever EVER having to walk into a fitting room and prolong my time in this hell, I went a size up and reassured myself that wearing a belt will remedy any extra room. Yay! Pants purchased. Breathing normal. Home in time to get ready for work.

As I start to pull my already-a-size-too-big pants over my legs I notice we are running out of stretch way too early. Hmm? Maybe they're bound and I have to release all the extra room. Tug-tug-tug. Nothing. Well, obviously my undergarments (which included long johns cuz it's damn cold) are too thick. Remedied. Going commando in my new pants will bond us quicker. Tug-tug-tug. Hmm.

At this point, I'm starting to break a sweat. My #1 hated thing at Christmas time. Especially because of pants. So i do the laying on the bed trick. I get the pants up to my panting stomach and just as the button and button loop are about to make sweet love with each other...something hits me in the eye. I immediately thought it was the button and we were done for. I would have to call in to work "too fat for pants". Nope, not the button. Even better. The zipper had broken loose of its zip line and tried to blind me. I don't blame it, I would want out of that situation as well. I apologize zipper, my crotch is not a great way to get acquainted.

No zipper. No pants. No self-esteem. I WENT UP A SIZE DAMMIT!

I went to work that night with my old torn pants on. I stuffed my face with lard and have since given the pants to the cat...they will fit her soon if she keeps eating like that.

Conclusion: If anyone buys me clothes for Christmas, you will have to go up 2 sizes! And then I will kill you. Hide your children because this year I will be PANTS-LESS FOR CHRISTMAS!

Dirty Duerr is Comin' Soon...bitches

2010-08-06T01:10:00.001-05:00

I'm a very busy guy. That being said, I feel I have no creative outlet in life. After saying that, I'll tell you a story.

My 10year highschool reunion was last weekend. I fasted for 100 days like Jesus did for his highschool reunion on only beer and Makers Mark and noisy sunchips for stamina. I was looking...the same just much drunker. I brought my partner in crime along for the ride so if all else failed (and it did) I knew I'd still have a great time.
Hotel room, police encounters, double bacon cheeseburgers, fireball after fireball shots, and a lot of acting a fool later...we forgot to go to the reunion. (Sidenote: we are nowhere close to the point of this blog so get comfy)

The ride back to Memphis was full of beer and a lot of talks about my new cartoon series about a yard gnome and his friend yard jesus and their fights with evil mister lawn jockey. Suddenly, as most things happen with me, I realized that idea was idiotic but that what I really want/need/must have before I go postal is to be on MTV cribs showing off things like my room where bikini bitches wait to have expensive liquor poured all over them and my arts and crafts room (that's what I call a wine cellar).

So I've been writing rap songs. Daily. T and I (not TI...he wishes) will soon hit the hiphop world hard with our beats and dope rhymes and outlandish outfits. And you may think I'm joking and maybe at one time I was but shit ya'll...being a wannabe rapper is fun as hell!

Taking posse applications soon. Youtube will be where I debut the song "Dope Dick" and well...I'm pretty much too hard for most of you now. I'd say I'm sorry but that just wouldn't be very street of me.

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The perfect way to bring down the crime rate.

2010-02-23T23:55:00.002-06:00

It's no secret that I work in a restaurant. Two, in fact. Well, at one of these particular eating establishments (which I shall refer to as Slaggy's because it's my blog and I can do what I want)...so at Slaggy's every now and then the Court system or whoever brings in certain juries for their dinner. 15 or so people all followed around by police escorts whenever they go to the bathroom or get up to pick their nose in private or whatever people in juries do.

Well, today at Slaggy's I just happened to go over and take a nice long look at the "citizens" in this jury. The "group of persons sworn to render a verdict or true answer on a question or questions officially submitted to them". Now, I understand that this is supposed to be an impartial mix of all different types of voting citizens in the community but to me it looks like they go down to the local nuthouse and let everyone out for a field trip for a couple of hours. These people are THRILLED to be out in public but I agree with whoever decided it was against everyone's wishes that they be seen or integrate with the public at all...ever.

There's the crazy woman with sticks in her hair poking at Slaggy's sugar caddies like they might attack her at any second and she wants the Splenda to know who the boss is at the table (Spoiler: It's the Splenda). There's the guy hitting on the crazy Splenda-fighting-stick-haired woman. There's the one normal woman sitting in a corner eating cheesecake and you can just tell she's about to burn something down. And then. Then there's the best of all...

There's the woman who, when her salad with vinaigrette is brought out she stares at it for a long time...stares at it a little longer and says "Did I order this? To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what I ordered. Is this ranch?". "No, ma'am it's Vinaigrette". "Is that what I like? Is that what I ordered? Hm...Okay!".

So here's a little thing to keep in the back of your head next time you are contemplating a felony of any kind.

DO YOU WANT THE FATE OF YOUR LIFE RESTING IN THE HANDS OF THE WOMAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE ORDERED RANCH OR VINAIGRETTE ON A SALAD SHE'S NOT EVEN SURE SHE ORDERED IN THE FIRST PLACE??? DO YOU???

I rest my case your honour.

Scratch n' Sniff blog #2

2009-11-20T14:38:00.003-06:00

This is a scratch and sniff blog!

2009-11-18T15:59:00.000-06:00

*sniff here*

on a downtown trolley

2009-11-12T14:02:00.002-06:00

Long time no bloggy! I have received many a letter-bomb and smoke signal saying things like "Eric, where's the blog???" and "hey man, you're the only blog on the Internet that says stuff about stuff I don't care about...where did ya go????".

After months and months of debating whether to let these people commit suicide or to update my blog, I decided on the latter. Why? Because I'm sitting in a lesbian bar by myself leeching their free Internet and drinking their $2.50 beers and I have nothing else to do.

Long story short: I've been unemployed. I have no Internet at home. It makes blogging difficult. And even if I HAD Internet at home all I've been doing is sitting on my futon eating Ramen noodles and trying to make wine out of the cat. So there.

So after a month of searching I have found a day job. It pays nothing and is wayyyyy more exercise than I'm used to but it gives me something to do and gives my butt a rest. I've been passing out menus/promoting a new restaurant in downtown Memphis which is MUCH harder than I thought. My leg muscles soon will be able to crush your head!!!! MUHAHAHA!

Here are some things I've encountered in my week of downtown adventure.

Numerous people peeing all over the place.
People chasing me down trying to give me Jesus pamphlets. They won't even take a menu in return. "I don't need literature on how to be a sinner son"...wow.
On Veteran's Day instead of watching the parade I watched grown people fight children for the candy being thrown in the streets. The children never won.
A guy seriously tried to give me a box full of ceramic ducks "for the restaurant" and started screaming loudly when I wouldn't take it. At least he took a menu.
Trolleys don't have to obey street lights and don't have to recognize pedestrians.

Nothing too exciting. And now my fingers are tired because I'm not used to doing anything but sitting around and watching the same episodes of The Simpsons over and over (I make my own commentary). Until next time ya'll!!! P.S: Send money!

Baby's first celebrity feud

2009-07-15T10:07:00.005-05:00

So I've decided I need a new "thing". My "things" don't tend to last long so don't worry too much about it but hear me out anyway. Imma start as many celebrity feuds as I can. Wait until TMZ gets this scoop!

Eric vs. Lyle Lovette and his Large Band

The other day I was merrily on my way to the bus stop so that I could get on said bus and go to my job and make money to feed my starving cat (on my side yet?) when to my horror I noticed that my bus stop and the entire block was taken up by four large semi-trucks and a couple of tour buses (I KNOW!). Come to find out ol' Lovette was playing over at Minglewood Hall. So not only would the bus not have seen me had I stood there but I doubt any of those roadies would've let me hide inside and touch stuff.

"What ever did you do you poor thing?". Well, I had to...brace yourselves...WALK TO THE NEXT BUS STOP!!!!! Sorry if anything is misspelled right now, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

So Lyle, for making me take 10 extra steps and probably stepping in some stuff that I wouldn't have stepped in otherwise...you're going down.

I await my apology. And a belt buckle.

High School Revisted: The Initial Horror

2009-07-12T18:44:00.003-05:00

Today, whilst perusing Facebook for the 20th time in a mere 5 minute span, I noticed a group was formed all about planning our ten year high school reunion. Now, I knew it was inevitable and deep down I really knew we were coming up on it but still my initial reaction was "Nuh uh, I just graduated".

So after that shock I immediately went into panic-mode. Even though, thanks to assholes like Facebook, everyone knows what's up with me anyway. So I'm compiling a list of things to get done before said reunion. Or else I'm sending someone in my place. WHICH I really think would be hilarious. Especially if I can talk Spencer Pratt into it...or Oprah (people believe anything she says).

So far, here is my list:
1) Go on a 5 month fast, like Jesus did.
2) Borrow a baby or two so I can fit in with over half the people there...like Jesus did.
3) Convince someone to pretend to be my wife
4) Convince a hot guy to pretend to be my "business partner" that I brought along just for the heck of it and have my "wife" be perfectly oblivious.
5) Sex change
6) Two sex changes
7) If the fast doesn't work I want to gain about 300lbs and be escorted in on a crane. Now THAT'S an entrance!

If all else fails I'll probably go, get really wasted, and not remember any of it. Oh man, I wish it was tomorrow!!!

Eric Drunkypants Meets Gunny Jerkface

2009-04-22T20:24:00.003-05:00

They're doing an "Old Ladies of Disco" medley on American Idol right now and I'm way too amused to concentrate on this blog. Hold please.

Alright. So most of you have heard this story, probably more than once but I had some requests for a "proper blog". Here we go.

After a long Sunday of drinking and seeing some theatre and drinking some more I decided to call it quits at the Blue Monkey around 3am and walk my car-less ass home...not my smartest idea but I've never claimed to be a smart drunk. On my way down Madison Ave. in front of the horrible Dragon China, a man whom I shall refer to as "Gunny Jerkface" approached me.

Gunny Jerkface: "Hey man, can I borrow a couple of bucks?"
Eric Drunkypants: "No sir, sorry"

and I went on my merry stumbling way until all of a sudden there was something blocking my way...oh! It was my friend Gunny Jerkface again but this time he was pointing a big ol' black gun right in my face.

THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION CONTAINS LOTS OF F-BOMBS

GF: "I will f&%$@ shoot you in the face right now, I'll f!!!!)( kill you right now! Give me your money"
EDp: "Oh"

at this point I calmly took my wallet out of my torn pocket and handed him the $40-ish dollars I didn't spend at the bar(s). Thinking that our transaction was complete, I moved around him and continued my walk home.

GF: "HEY! Give me your motherf^^^^$$$& wallet!"

Now, at this point I was annoyed. He already had my money and threatened my life. What did he want my wallet for??? Was he freaking out about not being prepared for the Big Switch to digital t.v. and really needed my converter box coupon? Did he need my Sekisui discount card? So, I thought about it for .1 of a second.

EDp: "No sir. I need my I.D."

My drunk mouth has gotten me into many a-troubles but really, I've never been known to sass a man named "Gunny" who by chance also had a huge gun. Well, "Gunny" also was a little taken aback by my refusal to hand over my wallet and when I turned around to walk off he decided to take the douchebag approach and PUNCH ME IN THE BACK OF THE FREAKIN' HEAD!

When I fell from the pussy blow, Gunny ran off. Probably in fear that I would turn into the Hulk and HulkSmash him into the buffet in front of us. And then, after sobering up for a bit, my drunkness came back in full force and I RAN home, twittered about my mugging, and passed out.

I'm ok. It's not funny and I could've been seriously hurt but I'm not and I'm happy about that. Be careful guys, peeps is crazy.

Bar Encounter #1

2009-04-14T10:16:00.002-05:00

I'll probably do a lot of these but for some reason every time I go out some random person assumes they know me. Here's the most recent one:

Slut*: HEY! I shampooed your hair the other day!
Me: No ma'am, I did that myself.

*I only call you a slut because you assumed I was one.

I'm finally feeling this supposed "recession"

2009-03-03T23:40:00.002-06:00

Setting: My place of employment
Time: about an hour after we closed

Waiting for my final table to finally get up and leave. Lady waves me over and hands me cash.

Me: "Do you need change?"
Her: "No!"
Me: "Thank you"

I don't count the money, I rarely do. They sit there for another 25 minutes and finally leave.

5 minutes later, Lady comes back.

Her: "You owe me $10!!!!"
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "You owe me $10."
Me: "You said you didn't need change"
Her: "Well, I decided to leave your tip on the table instead. Did you get it?"
Me: "The $2? Yeah I got that." (Note: her tab was $35)
Her: "You know we're in a recession baby!"
Me: "..."
Me: "..."
Me: *smacks a bitch*

The end.

Dear Midtown,

2009-02-20T08:43:00.004-06:00

If you happen to be in the area of this:

could you possibly help them tear this down faster by throwing bombs at it or hitting it with a shovel or with your empty PBR cans so that I can sleep past 7am?

Thank you,
Disgruntled and sleepy in Memphis

My diet secrets

2009-02-05T10:48:00.004-06:00

So I've started this diet (yesterday) where I only eat half of my meals and I'd like to say, so far so good.

For lunch, I started off by having some grilled salmon and a small salad and only ate half of it. GO ERIC! I drank water the rest of the day and then my friend bought me a nice little box of delicious chocolates which I immediately ripped open the heart-shaped-box and proceeded to eat only HALF of each piece of chocolate! I was really on a roll!

For dinner I decided to head over to the Young Avenue Deli and normally I would've had a few drinks and ripped into a full order of their amazing cheese sticks. Nope, not New Eric! New Eric had only HALF an order of those cheese sticks! In your face fat!

Today might be a little harder but I have my meals planned already:
Breakfast: One hotdog instead of two
Lunch: Half a box of wine
Dinner: The other half of that box

It's time for change ya'll!

Inaugural Balls are in your face!

2009-01-21T16:28:00.003-06:00

Everyone I know has turned 14 and are loving it!

My best Inaugural Balls joke involved: "All those black tie balls".

What was your best?

I'm going to be a STAR!

2009-01-13T01:15:00.004-06:00

So at the work Christmas party I ended up doing wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much Karaoke (as one tends to do at an open bar/karaoke function). I thought nothing of it but now a guy that works in our kitchen is hell-bent on being my manager and us making it big. He has big plans for me too:

Him: "Hey guys!!!! Guess who's going to be on the BET AWARDS?"
Me: "Who?"
Him: "You'll be right up there singing!!! With Elton John!"
Me and 4 other people: "Why is Elton John at the BET Awards?"

It was nice knowing you guys but I'm going to be HUGE!

Joke of the moment

2009-01-01T21:11:00.004-06:00

I'm obsessed with making jokes/reference to the SNUGGIE so please forgive me if it's how I respond to everything you say.

"How are you today?"
"Could that shirt look anymore like a SNUGGIE??? OMGLOLZ!"

Best of 2008: Music

2008-12-29T01:46:00.003-06:00

File this under: Not Funny

My Top 15 Albums of the Year plus some other things!

15)
Britney Spears- "Circus" (contender for worst cover of the year, seriously)

Was it that I'm just happy she's not throwing things at cars anymore? Nah. I just am not ashamed when I come across a really good pop record and this is a REALLY good pop record. It's more a Britney album than "Blackout" ever was (though that made #10 on my list last year) and it really only has one track that makes me want to throw it out the window ("My Baby"). Pop music gets a bad rap for some reason, but it's fun and you can dance to it and that makes for good music in my opinion.

14)
David Byrne & Brian Eno- "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today"

This is probably #14 because I never got some alone time with this album but I got enough time with it to know that it is truly grand. David Byrne's songwriting is in top form and Brian Eno's production always adds a nice mix that doesn't overpower but makes it seem so organic that you hardly notice it. The saddest part of 2008 for me was missing David Byrne in Memphis.

13)
ManPlus- "The Hungarian Suicide Songbook"

Seattle-based band that's pretty low on the radar even for indie status but if you're a fan of trippy power pop/punk that makes you dance and yell, then please check this band out. I've been a fan for awhile and this is their strongest album yet and the production values just keep getting better every time. I hear they're a knockout live too.

12)
Sam Phillips- "Don't Do Anything"

I've always heard her name but never really checked out her music but I could not ignore the tons of positive reviews I kept reading about this album. There is not a bad song in this bunch. They are simple, mostly acoustic but somehow stay interesting and leave me wanting more once the album ends.

11)
Terami Hirsch- "A Broke Machine"

If you know me, you know I've been a fan of Terami since the first release years and years ago. And with each release there's a new maturity in voice, confidence, production, songwriting, etc. etc. but I never thought I'd be so blown away as I was with this album. Terami took vocal lessons before recording the album and BOY does it show. Her vocals on the song "What I Didn't See" are so moving and so effective, they give me chills every time. She continues to amaze me.

10)
Elbow- "Seldom Seen Kid"

This is my first "agreeing with the hype" album of my list. But I can't help it when the hype is right for once. When Elbow beat my new favorite artist out for the MERCURY PRIZE of 2008 I had to check them out. Their sound is fresh and the song "Grounds for Divorce" might be one of my faves of the year. Definitely one to check out.

9)
Goldfrapp- "Seventh Tree"

This is the first album of Goldfrapp's I've ever listened to and from the very beginning of the kinda-creepy opening track "Clowns" I was hooked. And it just gets better with every track moving from melancholy to giddy to really really strange. Her voice is able to convey so much and it's something I haven't heard in a really long time from an artist.

8)
Veda Hille- "This Riot Life"

From start to finish this is just a solid album with great songwriting, great musicians, amazing guests, and Veda's extreme awesomeness. Her past releases have been hit and miss but "This Riot Life" makes me so excited to see what else she's going to come up with. It's a very fun album!

7)
Cyndi Lauper- "Bring Ya to the Brink"

Despite the title, this quickly became my favorite Cyndi Lauper album of all time. Fans have been waiting for Cyndi to embrace the dance/electronic craze that she's so perfect for and she did not disappoint (give or take the song "Lyfe"). Her single "into the nightlife" is probably one of the best dance songs I've heard in a really really long time...too bad she can't get a hit to save her life anymore. Cyndi proves she can still compete with the best of them (and win) and that she has one of the strongest voices in pop music history.

6)
Rachael Yamagata- "elephants...teeth sinking in"

We waited too long for this album so good thing it didn't disappoint. Double albums can be tricky, especially a double album where the first album is filled with slow-piano driven songs about broken hearts and love. Luckily, that is Rachael's strong point and she delivers the best songs of her career. My only complaint is that the second disc, which is filled with songs with harder edges and a more rock approach, is too short. They are amazing songs with amazing lyrics, I hope we don't have to wait too long for the next release.

5)
Conor Oberst- "Conor Oberst"

I will always love anything this man does but I love some more than others. I was highly disappointed with Bright Eyes' last album "Cassadaga" but after getting my hands on this more-varied album and seeing Conor in concert twice, I was sold on his awesomeness.

4)
The Raconteurs- "Consolers of the Lonely"

Jack White is a prolific piece of rock god. But I wasn't sold on The Raconteurs with their first album and even on first listen of this album I threw it to the side and said "meh". Luckily, I picked it back up out of boredom (and because Jessica wouldn't stop talking about it) and fell in love with every track. Jack and company play off each other so well and luckily I got to see them live which is an experience! Love this album now.

3)
Evangelicals- "The Evening Descends"

One of the most exciting/amazing live bands I've been able to experience this year. They mix their Flaming Lips/My Chemical Romance sound with their love for bad horror movies, loud noises, and the lead singer's AMAZING vocal range. If you find them coming to your town anytime soon be sure to check them out. This album took a minute to grow on me but it definitely did.

2)
Aimee Mann- "@%$#! Smilers"

Aimee's always been a favorite of mine but she's been getting a little spotty on her releases. I am happy to say that this album is a masterpiece and Aimee is writing better songs and singing with more emotion than I've ever heard. Her vocals on "It's Over" are just flawlessly chill-worthy. Not a bad song on this album, she's one of the great songwriters of this century.

1)
Laura Marling- "Alas I Cannot Swim"

It's been a REALLY long time since I've bought an album on a whim and been so immediatly attached to it as I did this one. Laura is only 18 years old and she's already writing songs that blow me away (she was also nominated for the MERCURY PRIZE that Elbow won). I checked my last.fm stats and I listened to this album four times more than anything this year so that's why it belongs on my #1.
--------------------------------------
Honorable Mentions:
P!nk-"Funhouse" (too many sappy ballads but when it's fun, it's great)
Santogold- s/t (Didn't have too much time with it but loved what I heard)
Jenny Lewis- "Acid Tongue" (a few great ones and too many blahs to make the list)
Beck- "Modern Guilt" (check out the song "Walls" if you check anything out)
The Pretenders- "Breakup the Concrete" (Chrissie Hynde is back in top form)
Amanda Palmer- "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?" (I don't like when she yells at me but she's very enchanting)
Donna Summer- "Crayons" (it's okay but for a woman trying to make a comeback the album sounds VERY modern and has a lot of catchy songs on it...Diana Ross should take note because Donna Summer is doing it right just not as good as Cyndi)

--------------------------
Disappointments of the Year:
Bloc Party- "Intimacy"
Martha Wainwright- "I Know You're Married But I've Got Feelings Too" (I've loved most of these songs live and she's a fave of mine but man, don't let your husband produce your album ever again please)
Ryan Adams & The Cardinals- "Cardinology"
Sarah Slean- "The Baroness" (Sarah goes all Sarah Mclachlan on us and doesn't even have a baby to blame)
of Montreal- whatever it was called
Cat Power- "Jukebox"

-----------------------
Concerts of the Year:
Over the Rhine
Conor Oberst
The Raconteurs
--------------------------
Songs of the Year:
"Falling Down"-Scarlett Johannson
"Hot N' Cold"- Katy Perry (sorry, it's catchy)
"Another Way to Die"- Alicia Keys and Jack White

I did not call in "gay" to work yesterday...

2008-12-11T19:32:00.002-06:00

Don't get me wrong. I would have. I TOTALLY would have. But I've done it so many times in the four years I've been at my job that I just don't think it would have any impact anymore, plus I think they might think I'm lying.

Excuse 1:
Me: "Can't come to work, I'm tired"
Them: "What? We're all tired"
Me: "Well, gays need more sleep and I'm gay"
Them: "Oh, k. Rest up."

Excuse 2:
Me: "Can't seem to find my dark denim jeans and they're the only ones that go with my light work t-shirt so I'm just going to stay home and alphabetize my Broadway bootlegs"
Them: "What? We all need to do that."
Me: "Well, gays have a different alphabet than you guys"
Them: "Oh, k. Good luck."

Excuse 3:
Me: "I'm sick, I don't think I can make it today"
Them: "Oh, are you okay?"
Me: "I think I might be gay"
Them: "Oh, k. You should probably see a doctor."

So, as you can tell I was stretching for excuses already and if I were to say "Umm I can't come in today because I don't think you guys can run this place without my gayness and I'm trying to prove that to you." then they may realize we don't actually have a different alphabet. I can't jeopardize that. Sorry guys.

What everyone should do on their birthday...

2008-12-08T23:53:00.002-06:00

fall in public.
while dressed like Santa Claus.

I highly recommend it.

That darn Pig!

2008-11-17T10:35:00.002-06:00

The Evolution of a Drunken Haircut

2008-11-10T15:49:00.007-06:00

The "Yeah this is a great idea!" before shot

The "I think a Mullet would be hilarious!" shot

The "I actually look kinda tough and cool with the mullet, I may keep it" shot

The day after.

2008-11-05T16:54:00.001-06:00

My scariest Halloween memory

2008-11-02T02:29:00.000-06:00

beat that.

Halloweenoscopes

2008-10-30T14:28:00.003-05:00

Your Halloweenoscopes courtesy of me and Old Milwaukee

Aries: Lay off the candy this year, only because it's soon to be Thanksgiving and all we need is to hear your mother talk about how you've "put on another 15 or so" and then refuse you the privilege of pumpkin pie. Costume suggestion: Hannibal Lecter (because your mouth would be caged? Get it?)

Taurus: All your friends are sick of hearing about all the parties you got invited to and how you just can't make up your mind which one to go to. They all know by "parties I'm invited to" you mean "parties I read about on someone else's Myspace page". So suck it up and carve a pumpkin with your little sister and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for the third time this week. Costume suggestion: Wear your pajamas and go as "sleepy and lame". No one's going to see you anyway.

Gemini: I know it's hard to figure out which crazy voice in your head you want to dress this year so I'll make it easy for you: dress them all! Costume suggestion: Ninja, Crazy cat lady, Joe Biden, Sexy pirate, and a pencil...all at once.

Cancer: So you're hosting a party eh? And you over boiled the noodles so that they don't feel like the witches hair anymore eh? Never fear! You'll need the food later when everyone leaves after you announce that you thought it would be fun to bob for apples instead of drink this year. Costume suggestion: Something you got from Party City on the day before Halloween...probably a witch hat.

Leo: I'm thinking you're going to be the one to hangout with this year! You got yo party socks on and pumpkin bucket filled with jello shots...however, please please please resist that urge that's telling you it will be funny to dress like Sarah Palin, please. You're going to thank me when every brunette who's voting Obama this year thinks they're clever too. Costume suggestion: Not Sarah Palin. Sarah Plain and Tall could be cool though.

Virgo: It's nice of you to buy so much candy for your trick or treaters this year but seriously, no one likes those nasty orange and black toffee things that your grandmother used to keep for years around her house because everyone threw them back at her. Feed those to your dog and go buy some Nerds (for me). Costume suggestion: Zombie Little Bo Beep, complete with Zombie Little Bo Sheep.

Libra: You love a good scare. So you're out for adventure. Scratch that idea to go see "Saw XX" or "The Haunting of Some Girl Who Screams a Lot" instead take your friends to the Baptist church and get a good old fashioned Jesus-scare and realize that you're a hellion and need to stop being such a whore. Costume suggestion: Mary Magdalen, it'll make it easier for them to point you in the right direction.

Scorpio: Dress up with a fellow Scorpio and see if you can get away with some trick or treating (don't go to a Virgo's house though unless you like those toffee things), if you can't, EGG 'EM! EGG 'EM GOOD! Costume suggestion: An egg.

Sagittarius: Out of money and unable to think of a costume idea, like me? Yeah I feel ya man. So find a good place for sitting, get a box of wine, and carve curse words into pumpkins and throw them at children...as the night goes on you will find the kids get drunker and so hitting them with pumpkins becomes more fun. Costume suggestion: Crotchety old man.

Capricorn: Old people need love to. So go visit a nursing home, dressed as something they may remember and love. Take them some candy corn and then relish in the fact that they can not have sweets past 3pm...so you can eat it while you watch the Weather Channel and listen to stories about how they had to make their own candy on Halloween, fifteen feet in the snow or however that goes. Costume suggestion: Walter Cronkite.

Aquarius: You're forcing your love interest to theme-dress with you. This will cause a giant riff in your relationship for the rest of your freakin' life, no matter how much they say they're okay with it. ESPECIALLY if it's something cutesy like Raggedy Ann and Andy (I think I saw that on tv or something, probably on the CW). I'm just sayin' if you love them, set them free...or let them dress like that sports guy they like. Costume suggestion: A Zoo animal because that will amuse me if you are a monkey or a panda.

Pisces: Halloween fights are the best. Bar brawls are cool and everything but man, when the people are dressed up it's TRIPLEDUPLE the hilariousness! Two ridiculously costumed drunkards trying to hit each other with a bunch of ridiculously costumed drunkards cheering them on is my idea of a grand Halloween. Make it happen, for me...and the children. Costume suggestion: I've always wanted to see someone in that two-person horse costume they always wear in cartoons and if I get to see one of those try to fight....best.halloween.ever.

Safety first! Check all your candy for razor blades and date rape drugs, unless that's what you're into and then, YAY!

A Confession Part 3

2008-10-21T00:38:00.002-05:00

I made a website when I was 17. It apparently still lives.

Nerdtastic

Ye Olde Drunk Story

2008-10-13T17:22:00.003-05:00

I feel the need to share some crazy drunk stories for you guys (aka for Cat who is the only one who reads apparently). So I'm scouring my archives/mind/old blogs for some to tell you. I'll start with my favorite:
-------------
originally written Dec. 30th, 2007
Now normally I'm not one to say "oh Peter, you won't believe the dumbass stupid shit I did whilst enjoying a few adult beverages the other night" in a blog. Mainly because I just don't have that kind of time, very very busy.

But we're coming to a new year and this story is just too good to not tell the Internet. So here we go. Turn your t.v. down first, it's rude.

I started the night off taking some Penetrators with Megan at the Cafe Ole while waiting for Jessica to hurry up and get off work so we could get to the Blue Monkey and catch Ryan Peele's band (they're damn good btw). Already, things were getting hazy.

I don't recall what I was drinking at the Monkey. Probably apple juice or something as appropriate. In fact, I don't recall who exactly was at the Blue Monkey with me but if you were, I blame you partially (fully) for the events that happened next. Shamed yet? Just you wait.

Jessica and I headed downtown after the Blue Monkey to meet up with Hilary...at least that's what I'm told our purpose was. I'm not big on the downtown scene but get a few apple juices in me and I'm game for anything except Indian food. (are these jokes working for you? It's late and I'm tired).

I recall bits and pieces of Silky's and the Double Deuce but nothing much more than seeing a few people I knew and probably being the life of the bar.

Problem: Now, somehow in between or after or before these bars I got separated from Jessica and Hilary. At this point, my cellphone decides to die. Ruh roh!

While Jessica was m.i.a (turns out she was having to pay to get a boot taken off of her car, she had her own adventures) I decided I had had just enough and so it was time for little Me to get his ass home so he can be pretty and rested and sober for work in the A.M.

Problem 2: I can't seem to remember which parking garage I parked my new little red Neon in. Hmm. So I wander around to a few of them. Have you noticed they all look the same? Yeah, they do. And there are LOTS and LOTS of red cars. Hey people, there are other colors, though I understand your desire to get closer to me by having the same car color.

After stumbling around from car hole to car hole I decide this is not a job for just one person. So I find a friend. A smelly, box-livin', whiskey drinkin' friend. Well, I near started a bloody riot when trying to choose my new best friend! Everyone wanted to help little ol' me out! Shucks! So helpful those God sends are.

I ended up going with the one who most resembled Eddie Murphy in hopes that he would do the "Donkey" from "Shrek" voice the entire time. He did not. So Eddie and I hit the streets! He promised me that he could find my car! So we went back to every damn parking garage and every time I saw a red car he would say "I KNOW THIS IS IT!!!! THIS YO CAR!!!". Like he had won the damn lottery, I appreciated his enthusiasm but it was a little tiring because he got me excited each time too...only to be let down time and time again.

He tried to take me to some scary parking lots but I assured him that, as a gentleman, I would NEVER ever ever park in such a place. So we hit the garages again. By this time, Eddie and I had bonded and I had wiped out in the street at least two times. I was sobering up from all that damn walking too.

A nice Caucasian man on the road inquired about Eddie and told me to stop hanging out with the bums and just go to the parking lot security office. I called him a racist and then took his advice. High five!

Problem 3 (or 8, who's keeping track anymore?): The security people were FAR from helpful. I tried to explain to them that I could not describe the parking garage I drove into because I could not remember doing so. They weren't buying it. They informed me they had been watching me on the cameras for "quite some time" and that my car was definitely not in their garage. Pfft. Then they made Eddie go away so I had to fucking run down the road to catch him.

We tried a few more cars. And SOMEHOW at SOMETIME in this whole adventure I broke my key off. I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to whomever went to get their car the next day only to find a broken key in their door. I do feel bad, but not as bad as I probably should.

Still with me? Cuz I got more!

I asked Eddie to find me a cab. He was eager and willing, which is how I like my homeless celebrity friends. I thanked Eddie and paid him $20 for his companionship during this trying time in my life. And then...THEN Eddie stabbed me in the back. "Could you spare a couple more dollars?". Oh mane I almost donkey punched him in his cabbage head! Instead i just got in the cab, keeping the peace.

So here is where some sense started coming back to me. By now, it was about 5:30am. Half way to my apartment it finally donned on me that maybe my car was not downtown in the first place. "Cabbie! Take me to Cafe Ole!". And because it's his job or because he's really sweet on me, he did what I asked.

This was reunion number one for the night. Me and Neon together again. I thought I was SO smart for figuring out where my car was! I hugged Noah and Moses (my jesus fish) and went to get inside my car.

Problem Again: Oh no, where is the rest of the key that unlocks my door??? No deal. No mas. Game over friend, game over. I had no idea what I would do now. No phone. No entry into my car. No way home.

And then it happened. My "Somewhere Out There" moment that still blows my mind. Out of the corner of my eye I see some crazy hooker parked sideways in the middle of the street right in front of DISH. And by crazy hooker, I mean Jessica! I asked her why she happened to be parked sideways in the middle of the street and it turns out, bitch ran out of gas!

I tell you, what are the fucking odds!??? Why was she driving around Dish at 6am? Why did she leave me downtown in the first place? And how crazy that she happened to break down right there just minutes before I arrived?

So we sat in her car for a good 15 minutes laughing uncontrollably at the night's adventures that we both had. Then we decided we should get her car out of the road.

The wrap up: Little Phillip came and took us to get some gas. Then he let us crash at his place because if I had come home I never would've made it to work.

So that's my story, the end of my song. Did you learn anything valuable? I learned that Jessica and I may be the funnest people in the world (i.e: hot messes) and that if I pay people $20 they will talk to me all night and pick me up when I fall down.

Eddie never would've left me downtown.

Keep this in your wallet gee-golly!

2008-10-03T18:19:00.004-05:00

A Hooker Game

2008-10-02T23:54:00.003-05:00

Play the Hooker Game!

Take the letters from the sign below and come up with something amazingly hilarious (and wedding reception appropriate:

leave your cleverness as a comment. I'll draw you a duck in a cowboy hat if you're funny enough.

P.S: you don't have to use all the letters if you don't wanna :-)

A Hooker Wedding Part 1

2008-09-22T23:34:00.005-05:00

The sun had set on The Old Knob Schoolhouse in Hooker, Arkansas. We had been to a very beautiful and very short (i.e: perfect) wedding at Ye Olde Hooker Church and were ready to continue our drinking.

We scoured the room for signs of delicious wine or "it'll have to do" beer but to no avail. When our flask started to run low our love for the bride and groom started to run dangerously high. Suddenly over the comforting sounds of a shotgun being fired repeatedly across the street we heard the back-fire of a pickup truck screeching around to the back of Old Knobby.

A kindly old grandmother lead us to the back and we were given four simple rules:
1) Beer must stay in the black plastic cups provided
2) Do not throw-up in or near the schoolhouse
3) Do not pee on the floor
4) Do not let the bride's father find out there is beer

In unison the five or so of us who were not 90 years old and asleep by 8pm yelled out a resounding "DEAL!".

In conclusion: It was the best homemade beer from a keg that I have ever drank from the back of a pickup truck behind an old schoolhouse in Hooker, Arkansas.

Stay tuned for more stories from this joyous weekend.

Tina Fey for President (or VP, I'm not picky)

2008-09-14T17:13:00.002-05:00

I've been missing and tripping and other -ings.

2008-09-09T14:40:00.003-05:00

I've been without internet for a month or so and let me tell you, I got a lot done! For starters, you can see from the photo to your left...I had some work done. I said "brad pitt in Fight Club please". And here we are. You like?

Only one?

2008-08-06T09:32:00.003-05:00

Am I the only one who finds Kathie Lee Gifford hilarious?

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/08/05

A Confession Part 2

2008-07-24T23:04:00.004-05:00

For Halloween in 6th grade, I dressed up as Tina Turner, heels and brown-face included. And threw a party. At a church youth center.

We don't need another drag queen.

bright idea

2008-07-24T22:55:00.001-05:00

dear jesus,

please build a giant air conditioner for when I need to go outside in the 100 degree heat. I understand that Global Warming was supposed to help this but...wrong again! Listen to me this time, GIANT.AIR.CONDITIONER.

Thanks,
hot.

My joke...

2008-07-18T13:41:00.001-05:00

I read this while perusing the VH1 Best Week Ever blog and seriously can't stop telling it to people...the reactions are my favorite part.

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"9/11"
"9/11 who?"
"You said you'd never forget!!!"

there ya go.

Only One!

2008-07-11T09:47:00.003-05:00

If someone asked you to describe yourself by telling ONE joke that encompasses your sense of humor/style/personality as much as possible, what would it be?

I'm curious. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

p.s: Follow me on TWITTER if you're a nerd like that.

She won't go to her timeout chair...

2008-06-18T21:58:00.002-05:00

Do you think Super Nanny would help me with my cat?

Memphis Pride

2008-06-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

I think it was PRIDE or something in Memphis yesterday...it smelled of gay outside.

The parade goes right by Cafe Ole and I was waiting on a table (as I tend to do when in the mood):

Guy: What's going on? Some sort of gay parade?
Me: Correct.

Which got me to thinking...what clued that guy in first?
The men dressed like women?
The women who look like men?
The guys kissing other guys?
Madonna?
The feeling that everyone left skittles in their washing machines?

Whatever it was, that guy picked up on it.

This girl had on rainbow eyeshadow. Overkill or awesome? Not sure. Too much rainbow makes my head hurt.

I wanted to throw eggs at the parade. Not because I don't like the gays...but I'm pretty anti-parades without elephants.

That's all.

New job?

2008-06-12T20:08:00.002-05:00

I need a job that puts my amazing text messaging ability to good/world-saving use.

Any ideas?

Where the boys are...

2008-05-29T06:55:00.004-05:00

Attention ladies!

I have discovered where all the balding, single, slightly overweight, bad dressing men are at 11pm!

Why, they are at your local Schnucks Grocery Store...all buying the same thing!

1) Some variety of chip
2) Some variety of food that only needs a microwave
3) Some variety of beer that comes in packs of 6

I suspect a lot of you will be wanting to loiter around the Freezer section a little more now.

(let's forget the part that I only know this because I too was one of them except I think my fabulous hair caused a man to take the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of spite, jerk)

Hiccups

2008-05-20T12:46:00.003-05:00

Hiccups are annoying.
Hiccups in a crowded bar are even more so.

"Why are hiccups in a crowded bar more annoying BlogMan?", you ask. Well dear blog reader it's like this:

You get the hiccups in the midst of drinking with friends and all of a sudden you are surrounded by 30 drunken strangers who all want you to try some CRAAAAAAAAAAZY remedy for the hiccups that they have.

Last night it happened to me. And sure enough I had people throwing sugar packets at me, telling me to swing my head between my legs , chasing me around the bar with a spoonful of tabasco sauce (no joke), all the while I'm hiccuping like an idiot and looking like an idiot.

I can only imagine the joy people got watching me drink water through a napkin while saying the alphabet in spanish.

Well, finally a friend of mine said "follow me" and like a good sheep I followed. I started to get a bit skeptical when he went into the bathroom...at that point I loved the hiccups, they were my friends and nothing in that bathroom was worth losing friends over. When I looked up Bathroom Friend had a jar of something that he wanted me to drink.

"Magical Hiccup Potion?", I asked. "Yep".

So I drank. Just a sip. And as I felt it trying to come back up in a vomit-like fashion I noticed I was no longer hiccuping. No more hiccups! Just vomit! It's a miracle!

Moonshine is illegal why?

p.s: I didn't finish it

2008-05-07T13:58:00.002-05:00

Dear Horrible Diet,

If it's any consolation, "The Baconater" from Wendy's wasn't even that good.

Love,
Fatty.

A Confession

2008-04-18T14:42:00.001-05:00

I went through a denim jacket phase that I'm not particularly proud of.

2008-04-10T14:17:00.002-05:00

I find myself turning into a crazy old lady more and more lately...

This morning I was talking to things in my bathroom. Not only talking to them but also assigning personality traits to them as well...I guess it makes me feel less crazy.

I really thought it strange that I said "good morning" to my contact lenses. But I also decided that my contact lenses are a little hard of hearing so I yelled it like they are in a nursing home.

I later stubbed my toe on the trashcan and apologized to it profusely.

Even the cat looks at me weird (i.e: jealously).

Quote of the Week: It's hard out there for a pimp but it's hard out there for a person too

I can't make this stuff up.

Not an April Fools joke. I repeat, NOT a joke.

2008-04-01T20:45:00.003-05:00

Coming in July.

I might be way too excited about this. But I doubt it.

Show me your poll!

2008-03-29T14:43:00.001-05:00

View this quiz on Quibblo
More quizzes on Quibblo

Food Stress

2008-03-26T16:37:00.002-05:00

As a lowly waiter of tables I have plenty of things I could bitch about regarding restaurant clientele...but I'll spare you and only bitch about one of those things.

Food is nothing to stress over. I believe this with all my tiny gay heart. However, people stress over food SO much that it's ridiculous.

Maybe I'm missing something, maybe I'm just a lot more laid back than your average joejane but if my burrito has sour cream beside it and I asked for no sour cream, I'm not going to pitch a giant fit about it and make a big scene in a crowded restaurant.

Why are you stressing out so bad because your fajitas aren't sizzling enough? Don't you have anything better to stress over in your life? Bills maybe? Your horrible marriage? Stress over those things for a minute and leave me out of it.

"I ASKED FOR CHICKEN NOT BEEEEEEF!"...alright well once you stop having a heart attack we will fix it. It's just food people, it's just food.

End of rant.

death by seasame pork tenderloin

2008-03-21T01:59:00.002-05:00

Tonight I popped my Texas de Brazil cherry and whilst stuffing my face with meat I discovered how I wish to die.

I plan to hire one of those delightful foreign meat men (MM if you're nasty) to do exactly what they do in the restaurant inside my apartment. O f course, I will have one of those "Meat cards" so that when I am sleeping, MM will know not to slice me off another piece of bacon wrapped fillet.

And thus I will eventually eat myself into some cow coma.

Or I will eat myself into the size of a cow and suffer from mad cow disease and end up devouring MM...thus dying in an very large jail cell.

Either way.

my cat's box

2008-03-17T13:45:00.003-05:00

As I was sipping (i.e chugging) my chardonnay at the Blue Monkey last night, my friend Mark called me a name. Insisting it was a compliment I made him slowly say and spell the word which I think I heard on that old Jimmy Kimmel game show with the eye drop guy.

"You're an anomaly"

I asked for clarification and since he was slowly getting drunker he was making less sense by the second...

"you're the only guy...umm...who enjoys other guys...but...isn't concerned with...umm...the state of his cat's box?"

of course. the litter box explains everything! NO, no it didn't.

So I turned to dictionary dot com because I don't really know many words, yet here I am.

They say:

1 : the angular distance of a planet from its perihelion as seen from the sun 2 : deviation from the common rule : irregularity 3 : something anomalous : something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified

And let it be said...if he ever fucking says anything at all about my angular perihelion again I swear I'll need a new hard rocker friend.

a thousand drunken dreams

2008-03-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

was the alternate title.

there will be a test later.